I've Got the Poison, I've Got the Remedy

A shock scientific research paper was published yesterday that could change the way we eat forever. Following the revelations of research published last year that found that everything we previously believed was wrong, it has been revealed that everything we subsequently believed, even after adjusting for agreeing that we were wrong, was even even wronger than that.

Don't even think about it

And scientists have found that if you are eating anything vaguely nice, or foods that are not utterly boring, you will die a terrible, terrible death.  "I don't know what the hell people are thinking when they even look at a cake," declared Dr Hans Gruber, director of the institute of meddling and browbeating people with the so called facts in Switzerland, "they might as well be throwing themselves in an incinerator when they do that."

"Is it really that bad?" we wondered.

"No, I am afraid it is worse," Dr Gruber told us. "Cake, pizza, bread, sweet tasting fruit like pomegranate or even those little frozen peas - all these are as good as deadly poison. Instead people should be preparing themselves a meal of gruel with raw vegetables. And be doing that many times a day.  Then they should be using cod liver oil suppositories while chewing live grubs very slowly."

You’re wrong so eat it

How many times a day should they be doing that?

"Think of a number," answered professor Gruber. "have you thought of it?  Well, it's not enough. Now double that number, and it's still not enough. Increase it much more. Have you done that? Well, it's still wrong and it's still not enough. Whatever answer you come up with it's wrong, and if you give up and don't try that's wrong too. Whatever you do or don't do it's bad and wrong."

A Bell Curve yesterday

But the awful news is that things are going to get even worse than that. "Yes, things are worse than that," confirmed Dr Gruber. "Because of genetics and things of that nature, projected bell curves, scatter diagrams and statistical mean averages" he warned. "Think of how bad things can be," he explained, "well you're wrong, it's worse, so multiply the badness by ten.  Then you're still wrong, because it's worse than that. And it'll continue to get worse, because of climate change and then still worse, and after that it will get worse and worse and worse. But, no, you're wrong, because it's still worse than you guessed."

Shitting on you from a great height

Is there anything people can do?

"Well, first you must admit you are wrong and we're right," replied Professor Gruber, "but then we'll confirm soon that you're even more wrong than you thought and we're even more right, but I'm afraid after that, when you've changed round everything and tried to adapt we're going to tell you that's bad and wrong because we've changed everything again to show that we are yet more right and you yet more wrong. There is no escape. And if you try to escape the consequences will be catastrophic and if you don't try to escape they will be even more disastrous. We're currently working on a future escalation model of horribleness that you can't even imagine, and don't be foolish enough to try to imagine and prepare and don't even think of not trying."

Professor Gruber left us to continue his research. He lives in a rarefied environment with lots of other painfully clever people and his hobbies include being smug and ruining your day.