Friday, 22 September 2023

The Story of My Baby Oak Trees

 So here they are, my babies! 😁 Their story?

This time last year, in Autumn 2022, I was still looking after my elderly mother. Every day, just before tea time, we would go out for a walk. We always traced the same route around the estate where we lived. I would remind her of the road names as we walked and she would reminisce on the people that she knew, who were living or had lived at certain places on our route, some of them long gone. We would comment on people's gardens, on the flowers that were growing there, some of them covered in bees and butterflies, which was always nice to see. We also had our favourite trees. One in particular was a birch tree with beautiful, flawless silver bark. As we approached our house we would stop and marvel at the huge buddleia which grew in a neighouring garden - alive with buzzing, flying, pollinating and hovering things.

On Doe Bank Lane, which boasted views across green fields and up towards the ancient Beacon which is the highest point in the West Midlands, there was a mighty Oak tree. I would pause and pick up an acorn from the ground, and when we got home, I would drop the acorn into a bowl of water. Sometimes the acorn would float, and I would leave it in the garden for the squirrels. But sometimes the acorn sank to the bottom of the bowl. Then I would keep it, and put it in the fridge with a little damp soil.

There were also other trees I collected from: I went to a protest camp run by Palestine Action in the woods around the local Elbit weapons factory in Lichfield. And I would pick up acorns. I went to the Green Party Autumn conference, outside of which grew a huge Horse Chestnut tree. From there I picked up some conkers (and ran the same test).

Then tragedy struck: my mother had an accident and broke her ankle. She went to hospital and never returned. Now she's in a care home in Bromsgrove. To pay for her care, we sold our family home, which was heartbreaking. I moved to a flat not far away, but I kept my acorns and my conkers, as they underwent the Winter stratification process.

Spring came, and I was on trial at Wolverhampton Crown Court for my part in a Palestine Action protest. My barrister was not hopeful, and feared that my sentence may be very severe, should I be convicted (which I unfortunately was). The judge presiding over our case was aggressively strict. We nicknamed the prosecutor, who appeared to be carrying out a personal vendetta against us "The Ghoul". It was a gloomy time, even if there was good camaraderie between the defendants, and we still managed to joke about a lot of it.

I planted seven of my acorns, and two of my conkers.

And they grew. To see something like this grow from the beginning is a special feeling. Amidst the endings, and the darkness, new life was sprouting.

As Summer passed, and I awaited my sentence, I gave away two of my Oak seedlings to friends. Now you see the remaining five. As you can imagine it is very much my hope that I can find places for them where they will be safe, and grow in peace. Maybe somewhere where I could visit and check on their progress.



Saturday, 30 May 2020

Does Planet of the Humans Ape the Environmental Movement

A Perspective on the Controversial film, by an Extinction Rebellion (XR) Supporter

Taking Liberties

The new Michael Moore film, Planet of the Humans puts the Climate Cat upon the environmentalist pigeons. Indeed, to many Green supporters it is about as welcome as the sight of the Statue of Liberty was at the end of the movie its title is a play upon: Planet of the Apes. It is arguably Moore’s riskiest release to date. 

Previously, everyone knew what Michael Moore was about; or at least they thought they knew. The bane of arch conservatives, and a continuous thorn in the side of the American ideology that is often disparagingly referred to as the “Guns and Bible” faction by its critics. The vast majority of this faction are very strongly aligned with the Republican party and their view of the world.

Moore has gained a reputation as a darling of the “left and Liberal wing” in America with movies like Fahrenheit 9/11, Which Country Shall We Invade Next and Bowling for Columbine. And people have come to expect Moore’s works to poke holes in the rigid worldview of the right leaning targets of his polemic creations.

Whose Side Are You On?

Planet of the Humans takes aim at what producer Moore and director Jeff Gibbs refer to as “our side”.

Who do they mean by “Our Side”? According to Moore, “our side” are the Liberals, the environmentalists, the “Progressives”. 

How does this relate to Extinction Rebellion? Well, like it or not (and some members of XR might not like it; such as the ones that consider themselves, in the words of one of XR’s slogans, “Beyond Politics”) there is a certain perception of environmentalism. This perception is held in America, where every major issue is now strongly partisan. And the perception is that environmentalism is to the Left of the political divide (even though achievements like the creation of the Environmental Protection Agency in the US are credited to the Republican Party).

And how does Planet of the Humans take aim?

Publicity for the film claims that it will show us the “dark side” of the “sacred cows” of environmentalism. In practice that means an attack on renewable energy and notable groups and figures in the environmental movement itself.

Some Inconvenient Claims

Here are a few of the contentious claims made by the film. They are relayed without further comment for now:
·       Renewables cannot go all the time, and need fossil fuel power plants idling in the background to power in reserve. Having to turn a fossil fuel plant up and down constantly makes it extremely inefficient and even more hostile to the environment. 

·       Renewables themselves can be very destructive for the environment because of the vegetation that needs to be cleared to construct a solar or wind farm, and also because they can be made of concrete and steel (wind turbine) or mined material (solar panel). At one point Gibbs looks at a huge wind turbine and muses “can we use big industry to save us from big industry?”

·       The shelf life of a solar panel or wind turbine is relatively short (20 years approx) before they need to be replaced. This means more mining, more concrete and more steel as the replacements are constructed.

·       Often when coal plants are shut down they are not replaced with renewable energy but with natural gas, another fossil fuel. Sometimes the natural gas plant that replaces the coal plant is even bigger that the power plant it supersedes.

·       To overcome the problems of intermittence in Sun and wind, you need to store power in batteries, but this greatly increases the carbon footprint of the power source you are using. At the moment (according to the film) we are only at a fraction of 1% of the battery power that we need to make solar and wind a viable replacement for fossil fuel and nuclear power sources.

·       The search for funds can lead environmental groups to “get into bed” with big banks, polluting companies and fossil fuel corporations – in other words they rely on the people that got us into this crisis to get us out of it. Two major targets for the ire of the film makers are Bill Mckibben of and ex vice president Al Gore of An Inconvenient Truth fame.

What to Make of it All?

So what is an Extinction Rebellion supporter to make of all of this? Should we endorse this work, condemn it, or something in between?
In the opinion of the writer is is useful to separate intent from execution when we assess this piece.

Intention wise, I believe there is much in Planet of the Humans that supporters of Extinction Rebellion can relate to.

However when we examine the execution of the project problems arise.

So let’s look at each in turn.

The Failure of Environmentalism

Gibbs and Moore believe that the environmental movement, even though it has achieved good things since it began in the 1960s, has failed. In his recent podcast Moore read out a damning set of statistics:

Since the first Earth Day:
·       90% of large fish (cod, tuna etc) have disappeared from our oceans. We are eating them out of existence.
·       95% of (non human) mammals on Earth that now exist are our pets or our dinner.
·       Between 2,000 and 10,000 animal species are going extinct every year.
·       We have lost over half of our topsoil, and some scientists and agriculturalists predict it may all be gone in the next 60 years (it takes 1,000 years to generate 3 cm of topsoil).
·       Of the 34 main aquifer systems (underground water supplies) on the planet, 21 of them are approaching total collapse.
·       We lost 1.2 billion acres of rainforest in 2018 ALONE.

And, of course, we are, at 415 parts per million CO2 in our atmosphere, way past the 350 ppm “safe limit” for life on Planet Earth.

Hitting Earth’s Limits

One of the most haunting moments in the movie is when Steve Running, an ecologist from the University of Montana, discusses how humanity is transgressing multiple planetary limits: multiple instances of the boundaries of what we can exploit from the Earth. And yet we continue to hope that a miracle of technology will save, not us a species, but the way of life that we have become addicted to.

Humanity (and particularly the “Western World”) are addicted to consumption; we are addicted to endless expansion on a planet with finite resources.

And so far there is nothing in this that Extinction Rebellion would argue with. We also want to end humanity’s addiction to growth and consumption. One of Extinction Rebellion’s main themes right now is Degrowth, and the need to end Gross Domestic Product as a measure of a nation’s success. XR’s Clare Farrell mentioned this specifically during her discussion with the makers of Planet of the Humans.

We also have been trying to warn our species that humanity is overstepping planetary boundaries, one of which is in the state of our climate. And, terrifyingly, that is only one of boundaries we have transgressed. As with Planet of the Humans, XR is sending out warnings that we cannot pin all of our hopes on technological solutions that will come and save us in “10 years or more”. By then it could well be too late.

Like the makers of Planet of the Humans , XR set out to shake up the environmental movement. Like the makers of Planet of the Humans, XR believes that, despite some breakthroughs, the story of the environmental movement is the story of failure, and that different approaches are needed. And why are Moore, Gibbs et al sending out this message?

Because the makers of Planet of the Humans want humanity and the governments of the world to ACT NOW!

So, so far so good then.
So what are the problems?

The Problems

When Jeff and Ozzie from the Planet of the Humans crew visit the Solar power generating system in Daggett California they are shocked to find that it has been “raised to the ground”.

It suddenly dawned on me what we were looking at,” Gibbs narrates mournfully as he surveys the desolation, “a solar dead zone.” 

But was all that it seems?

It transpires that what Gibbs was looking at was the sight of SEGS 1*, a solar generation plant that was closed in 2015. It will not have been long before this plant was replaced by Sunray 2, a far more powerful Solar plant.

So, not a solar dead zone any more then.

The new Sunray system is better in every way: more efficient, takes up less land, and does not need water to cool it.

This is far from the only time in the film that Gibbs and co mislead the viewer when it comes to their criticisms of renewable energy.


Another target of the documentary is Biomass, a form of energy that entails turning trees into woodchip, which is then burned to provide electricity. The movie portrays a “pro-environmental movement” that seems to consider Biomass as a renewable source.

It does not take much research to realise that biomass is anything but renewable.

During the course of the film it is implied that Bill Mckibben, founder of the climate change movement, looked favourably upon biomass as a replacement for fossil fuels. And while it is possible that may have been the case in the period between 2010 and 2012 (the time period in which much of this film is shot), it is no longer the case now, as Mckibben is keen to point out in his response to Planet of the Humans posted on’s website.

Is this slander?


While the phenomenon of an exponentially growing human population and its effect on the planet is an issue we should not hide from, we should always treat this issue with the greatest care, and make sure that it is placed in its proper context.

There is no doubt that population growth on Earth has exploded since the Industrial Revolution, which is incidentally also the time when greenhouse gases began to be pumped into the atmosphere on, well, on an industrial scale.

But that doesn’t mean that the environmental footprint of all human beings is the same. 

The documentary makers would have done well to cross reference population with the other huge issue they seek to bring to our attention: that of consumption. If they did this they would find that in several key measures, including co2 emissions per head and land use per head, the consumption of human beings in the Global North outstrips the consumption of those in the rest of the world by a very wide margin.

The Girls of the World

As well as this, it should be said that a very effective way to deal with population growth is to educate and empower women and girls. That is because by educating and empowering women and girls across the world, you will inevitably get more birth control as a result. And more birth control means more population control.

Gibbs and co could mention either one of these qualifications as they warn us of the spectre of unrestrained population growth. The fact that they don’t, and instead present us with a parade of white faces from the Global North to commentate upon “the heard of the elephants in the room” leaves them vulnerable to accusations like a colonialist mentality and eco fascism.

When challenged, Gibbs and Moore strenuously deny a “Malthusian”** approach to the issue of population. I give them the benefit of the doubt, but I have to admit their approach is clumsy at best.

Making a Judgement, Overall

So, a film that is noble in intent but deeply flawed in execution. Important questions are asked in the film: about consumption, about placing our trust in “miracles of technology” to fix problems, and about the multiple planetary boundaries that we are crossing. 

Unfortunately to make this point, they use information that in many places is painfully out of date, make criticisms that are arguably slanderous, and approach issues in a way that leaves them vulnerable to the charge of Eco fascism.

Perhaps the most pertinent question to ask in summary is, “do the ends justify the means?"

This is a question that Extinction Rebellion has often asked itself during and after our more controversial actions. Can we as supporters put our hands on our hearts and say the answer has always been yes?

One of the pre-emptive criticisms of this film was “I guess they’ll say they were trying to start a discussion”. But is the aim of starting a discussion so wrong? A discussion has started. Even the most ardent critics of this movie admit it made some valid points.

Moreover, if putting the climate and ecological emergency into the common discourse was the aim of the film, then with nearly 7.5 million views at the time of writing, you have to say it has been a success.

Whether the ultimate influence of Planet of the Humans will be seen as positive or negative can only be judged at some future point.


Like Extinction Rebellion, Planet of the Humans seeks to build awareness. Like Extinction Rebellion, the film is telling us that infinite growth on a planet with finite resources is not possible. Like Extinction Rebellion, the film concedes that is not any particular chemical, or particulate, or atmospheric condition that is destroying the natural world.

The thing that is destroying the natural world is the greed we have unleashed, and the system we have allowed to dominate both nature and ourselves.

“Humankind is challenged, as it has never been challenged before, to prove its maturity and mastery, not of nature, but of itself”.

Rachel Carson

* SEGS = Solar Energy Generating Systems
** Malthusianism has attracted criticism from diverse schools of thought, including Marxists and socialistslibertarians and free market enthusiasts, social conservatives, feminists and human rights advocates, characterising it as excessively pessimistic, misanthropic or inhuman.


Michael Moore Presents: Planet of the Humans | Full Documentary | Directed by Jeff Gibbs -

Michael Moore in a live discussion with Extinction Rebellion co-founder Clare Farrell -

Filmmaker Josh Fox responds to Michael Moore on bombshell climate film - 

Michael Moore, filmmakers respond to criticism of new bombshell environmental film - 

Planet of the humans: A reheated mess of lazy, old myths - 

We are in a Planetary Emergency Podcast by Michael Moore: 

Planet of the Humans… Let’s just have a Think:

Response: Planet of the Humans Documentary by Bill Mckibben:

Tuesday, 28 May 2019

Epilogue to a Dream

Once, you had a dream
And you had a song 
That went with the dream
And then the dream died
So sad
Then later, one day
You remember that song
And you think "how will it sound?
Beyond my dream's death?"
And so you listen
And it's not quite the same

Friday, 12 April 2019

Could a Citizen's Assembly Solve the Israel/Palestine Conflict?

The Changing Map of Israel and Palestine

What is a Citizen's Assembly?

A Citizen's assembly is a panel of selected members of the public, who deliberate on a particular subject or issue, and, with the help of evidence and objective expert testimony, arrive at an informed decision. A Citizen's assembly can vary in size (anything from a handful of people to an assembly numbering in the hundreds or even the thousands), and could be formed to deal with any kind of issue.

Often a Citizen’s Assembly is called upon as an option because a subject is regarded as "toxic". This means that elected officials would have a lot of trouble dealing with this issue effectively, as controversial decisions that will harm their chances at the next election tend to be shied away from. One example is the issue of abortion in Ireland: a Citizen's Assembly was formed to deal with this, and it eventually recommended a referendum

In Britain, the environmental pressure group Extinction Rebellion is currently campaigning for a national Citizen's Assembly to deal with the issue of Climate Change. There was even a Citizen's Assembly formed to deliberate upon Brexit, though its recommendations were ignored.

It has been theorised that a Citizen's Assembly that is called a "Multi-body Sortition" could be used to replace conventional representative democracy as we know it and run a country.

How is a Citizen's Assembly Formed?

A Citizen's Assembly is formed by means of a process called Sortition, which is a kind of random selection method. Think of it as something not dissimilar to being chosen to do jury duty; or being chosen as a lottery winner. Your name or you address, or some identifying signification will be picked out, and you're in the Assembly!

If a Citizen's Assembly runs for a considerable length of time, or has been formed to deal with more than one subject, its membership is often "refreshed". Meaning some of its members will leave and other members will join. But a whole Citizen's Assembly is never completely refreshed. That is there is never a point where every single member of the Assembly is replaced all at once - and so in this way, and through the use of facilitators and subject expert advisors - continuity can be assured.

Is this a Revolutionary New Idea?

No, not at all. There were Citizen's Assemblies used in ancient Greece, and apparently they even had a special machine which performed the function of sortition and selected the people who would form the Citizen's Assembly.

The kleroterion - Sortition machine used in Ancient Greece

What are the advantages of a Citizen's Assembly?

Well, firstly a Citizen's Assembly is truly representative. This is not the case in our modern conventional democracy, where only those people on the electoral role get to vote. This usually means that certain demographics - say those of a young age, or the homeless, or refugees (often referred to as “the 10% hard to reach”), will be under represented, while other demographics - say, white middle class males - will be over represented.

A citizen's assembly can ensure that every demographic can be represented in its proper proportions. Say 5% of your country or region's population are females of Indonesian origin aged 20 - 30. That means 5% of the Citizen's Assembly will be composed of that demographic.

Now, you may be asking yourself at this point, "Hold on a minute, if Sortition is a process of choosing participants entirely at random, then how could we guarantee a proportion like 5% of the Citizen's Assembly being composed of females of Indonesian origin aged 20 - 30?"

There is a way! Keep reading!

Secondly, it is much less likely that a member of a Citizen's Assembly will have a conflict of interest. This phenomenon is a stain on modern parliamentary politics, and often politicians are accused of having a vested interest in making sure that, say fossil fuel corporations, or certain pharmaceutical companies will not suffer penalties or even have to pay taxes. A good example of a conflict of interest is the fact that many British MP's are also landlords that rent out multiple properties, meaning that it may not be in their interests to pass laws that improve the rights of tenants. The aforementioned process of regularly "refreshing" the Assembly members also helps in this regard, as it prevents the build-up of power and vested interest.

Thirdly, the fact that decisions are evidence based is a perhaps the biggest advantage. Subject Matter Experts are used as advisers, though they do not make pronouncements ("Experts on tap - not on top"), and the findings and recommendations produced by the Citizen's Assembly are informed and objective evidence based decisions ("Public Judgement - not public opinion").

Random Stratified Sampling

The way we get a truly representative Citizen's Assembly is through the method of stratification. This "weights" the random sampling - or Sortition - procedure to ensure that the makeup of the Citizen's Assembly is truly representative (or to put it another way, this is the way you make sure that 5% of your Citizen's Assembly is composed of females of Indonesian origin aged 20 - 30, if that is appropriate).

And this is where we come to Israel/Palestine, where the stratification exercise would be a fascinating challenge.

Let's stratify! 

Citizen's Assembly Process Map

Holy Land Stratification

First, let's get 50% male, 50% female.

Next we go 50% Israeli, 50% Palestinian.

Then things start to get thorny - religious splits. Across the Holy Land we must take the correct proportions of Jewish, Muslim, and Christian citizens. Then also take the correct proportion of those of other faiths and of no faith.

Then things get even more complicated. For instance on the Palestinian side we must take the correct proportions of those who live in Gaza and those who live on the West Bank. If they are Muslim we must take the correct proportions of Sunni and Shia, Khawarij and other schools of thought. Should we stratify further? In Gaza the government is Hamas, but there are other factions present there also. Should they be represented? Same with the West Bank, where Fatah by no means enjoy blanket support.

Then we go to Israel, and we stratify by Ashkenazi, Mizrahi, Sephardic, Orthodox and other strata of the Jewish population. We must also take the correct proportion of the Palestinian-Israeli population, before we go to other groups like the Druze.

And we haven't even started on stratifying by age groups, income ranges, suburban dwellers versus country dwellers, more detailed ethnic compositions and so forth.

By now I'm sure you can see things are getting involved, and I believe we would need a fairly large Citizen's Assembly in order to get something like a correct representation of the various factions and groups that live in this land of trauma.

A Question of Experts

This poses a potential roadblock - not because there are no subject matter experts on the issue of Palestine and Israel: there are many. However what we need are objective experts. Or should I say, what we need are experts that are perceived to be objective. This is quite a challenge considering we are talking about the most polarised of subjects.

A Question of Settlers

The illegal Israeli settlers who occupy Palestine’s West Bank would be another potential stumbling block. Should they be represented and given a say in a Citizen's Assembly? This is a problematic issue, since the presence of the settlers is illegal under international law and they are widely viewed as one of the biggest stumbling blocks in the way of any kind of peaceful outcome. Also, there is a strong chance that the settlers would not be interested in any kind of treaty that most of the world would view as just and equitable, due to their absolutist stance.

Having said that, the point of a Citizen's Assembly is to bring together those who may have seemingly unbridgeable differences, so we should not abandon all hope at the start. And besides, solutions have been proposed that do take the presence of the settlers into account in a constructive manner.

Conclusion: The Need for a New Approach

For any of this to go ahead, we would need to have the political will to search for a peaceful, just solution to this conflict rooted in a deadly cocktail of quarrels over land, history, politics and religion. Pushing for a solution does not seem to be in Israel's interests at present, however, as it is sitting pretty with the backing of America's government, which grants it such boons as the recognition of Jerusalem as its capital while asking for nothing in return.

But ultimately - and even from the start, going right back to the Balfour Declaration - this conflict is a testament to how conventional politics has been and is still failing us. We need fresh approaches to these seemingly intractable dilemmas.

Otherwise all we can do is carry on looking the other way while our fellow human beings suffer and perish.

For more information on Citizen's Assemblies and Sortition, please visit

Monday, 25 March 2019

Breaking #Brexit News! Parliament Votes to Do Something!

People were cheering in the streets today when, after weeks upon weeks of interminable deadlock broken only by recycled arguments over exactly the same issue, parliament voted to do something with regard to Brexit! The something was agreed by all factions in the debate and received an overwhelming cross party consensus!

It fell to Prime Minister Theresa May, wearing a smile as wide as the English Channel just at the point where it is widest, to deliver the good news in the House of Commons.

"Parliament will act now," she declared, "to deliver this vital something for everyone: it will be good for business, good for jobs, good for families and good for future prosperity. It will be good for an economy that is strong and stable.

"By the way Brexit means Brexit". She managed to hurriedly get in before she sat down. But by then everyone on both sides of the House were standing and hollering and waving bits of paper in approval. Then they checked with each other whether they were actually meant to be waving bits of paper in approval since it was so long since they'd actually approved of anything they'd forgotten what it is they were supposed to do.

Oh well done Theresa!
It then fell to opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn to endorse the something proposed by Theresa May, which he happily did. "This something that Parliament has approved today, will be for the many," intoned Corbyn dramatically, "and yet at the same time it will also be for the few! It will be for everyone! How about that!"

This caused more rapturous applause, more waving of bits of paper on both sides of the House, and Chuka Umunna cried like a girl he was so happy.

Amidst the frivolity Speaker of the House John Bercow could be heard yelling "Order! Order!"
And then he could be heard yelling "Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps please!"
He was standing by the bar you see.

Smashing Job Jeremy!
Perhaps the most poignant moment of the day was when arch Brexiteer  Jacob Rees-Mogg could be seen sharing a tender hug with hardcore Remainer Anna Soubry.

That was up until he tried to sneakily cop a feel and was rewarded with a punch in the whatsits for his troubles. But for a moment there, there was real love. And that should be our takeaway from the incident I believe.

Tomorrow, parliament will reconvene in order to decide what the something they have agreed to do actually is. At which point everything will probably turn to shit. Again.

But, ya know, for now, how about we just enjoy the moment, eh?

For once.

How about we do that?!


Friday, 26 January 2018

A Review of Reza Azlan's "Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth"

The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth is  split into three parts:

Part One deals with the Jewish revolt against the government of Rome in Israel, which was initially successful but came to a horrific conclusion with the destruction of Jerusalem in 70 AD.

Part Two deals with Jesus of Nazareth: the man, his world and his mission.

Part Three deals with the legacy that Jesus left behind after his death upon the cross.

In a way, the book begins by telling the end of the story, which is an account of the legacy that Hebrew zealots, including Jesus left in the minds of their followers and countrymen. It was this legacy that inspired the Jews to rise up against their Roman occupiers and cast them out of Jerusalem in 66 AD. For 4 subsequent years Jerusalem knew "independence", before a vengeful Rome launched a brutal assault on its besieged and now starving population: massacring men, women and children and burning the Temple on the Mount to the ground.

Those that survived the rout were driven into exile. And in this the survivors of the destruction of Jerusalem shared the fate of Jews throughout Palestine, as Rome enacted collective punishment. And so the diaspora was born.

But not everyone left: a small population remained around the cities of Jerusalem, Hebron, Jaffa and other major cities, and peasants continued to till the land in the countryside. It was from these peoples that today's Palestinians are descended.

And thus the seeds were planted that are still bearing their bitter fruit in the Holy Land.

So Who Was Jesus?

Finding the historical Jesus was no small challenge: all the historical references the author had to go on was a brusque contemporary reference in the chronicles of Flavius - wherein Jesus is mentioned as "the brother of James, called the Messiah". This is indeed brief, but it is also significant: it confirms that, as a claimant to the title of "messiah", Jesus would almost certainly have been crucified for sedition, as this was the standard Roman punishment for this crime during the era of the Empire.

The other document is what the author refers to as the "Q", and was a collection of the sayings and accounts of Jesus and his ministry. Each Gospel author would have used Q as a basis for what he wrote. Some points in the life of Jesus then (such as his baptism by John and his arrival in glory in Jerusalem) can be taken as more likely to have happened (because all four gospels feature these events, based upon information given in Q) than others (like the full account of Jesus's birth in Bethlehem and any tales of his youth, that only appear in the book of Luke).

Azlan does not have much time for any of the details of the wondrous virgin birth in the City of David. And he pours scorn on the claim that a Roman census could have lead Mary and Joseph to seek out this place. Which beggars the question why concoct accounts such as these if they are so obviously false?

Fake News

Well, in the 1st and 2nd century AD, we are told,  "historicity" did not mean the same thing as it does today, and chroniclers of these histories would willfully change events and insert convenient new ones, especially when it came to fulfilling prophecies. This was not only not objected to at the time, it was actually expected by contemporary readers. The mindset of the 1st few centuries of what we call Anno Domini was that exact historical details were not important: what was important was the essential truth of what your story propounded (it feels strange to recount this given what goes on with the "fake facts" of today. Perhaps when analyzing the present's view of news and events it is something to take into consideration).

The conclusion is that it is very likely that the historical Jesus was both born and raised with his brothers and sisters in the tiny hamlet of Nazareth, and that nothing remarkable happened to him before he was inducted into the life of a prophet by his mentor, John the Baptist, by the banks of the River Jordan.

You Wait Ages for a Messiah and then Ten Turn Up at Once

It should be mentioned that Jesus (called "the Nazarene" by his contemporaries, and "Son of Mary" by his detractors) was far from the first claimant to the title of Messiah in Roman Palestine - nor was he the last. For in those tumultuous times the hills were alive, not only with would be Messiahs, self proclaimed kings and insurrectionists - who invariably met a brutal end at the hands of Rome or their Judaic collaborators - it was also bustling with faith healers and magicians who claimed to make the lame walk, the blind see and to cast out demons. That Jesus took the role both of Messiah and magician was something of an oddity.

It should also be said that the historical Jesus, so Azlan tells us, was very much a family man. The unearthly celestial being of much of the new testament as portrayed by the Paulian epistles, and by Catholic traditions is the figure of Christ, that was born of Mary, who is a perpetual virgin. Azlan has so little time for this view he barely bothers mentioning it, and instead gives us a Jesus with several brothers, sisters and cousins - many of who became his followers.

Who Did Jesus Think He Was?

One of the thorniest issues - and the most fascinating, as dealt with by Azlan’s work - is how Jesus might have seen himself. Did he think of himself as the Son of God? As portrayed by this book, probably not. In fact Jesus appears to be far more ready to refer to himself as “The Son of Man”. But what does that epithet even mean? I will let a reading of the book answer that question; it is personally one of my favourite aspects of this work.

But there is no doubt about one thing as far as Azlan is concerned - and that is the Zealous outlook of The Nazarene. Whether he was expelling the money lenders in the Temple, preaching the Beatitudes or analyzing the thorny aspect of who the Jews should be paying their taxes to, Jesus applied his zeal; a fiery spiritual nationalism wherein the nation of Israel would be redeemed through the destruction of the existing order, be cleansed of its occupiers and hallowed through its treatment of the poor and the outcasts - who would be raised up to rule in the imminent Kingdom of God.

Of course it didn't turn out that way, and eventually the Romans and their Jewish collaborators decided they had taken as much provocation as they could bare from this latest self styled Messiah. Jesus was arrested and, with very little ceremony, was sentenced to die upon the cross: the sign above his head, "The King of the Jews" proclaiming to the world why The Nazarene had been sentenced to his fate.

It should have ended there. Jesus's followers, including his brother James, having witnessed the humiliation of their leader and inspiration, should have melted away and returned to their homes, as one obscure rebel cult leader was consigned to a footnote in history. The mystery of why it did not will probably never be explained, save through the application of faith.

A New Religion

So the recounting of the life of Jesus ends, and the story of his legacy begins. And the story of Jesus's legacy starts with a battle. On the one side is his brother James (known to all who knew him as "James the Just" because of his piety and devotion to the Judaic Laws) together with the surviving followers who walked and talked with The Nazarene. On the other hand, the self proclaimed thirteenth apostle, Paul, formerly Saul of Tarsus. Saul was an implacable enemy of the Jesus movement, but after his conversion and adoption of his new identity as Paul, this perhaps original "born again" Christian has a zeal to not only follow Jesus, but to found an entirely new religion in his name.

It is perhaps the depiction of Paul, that is, arguably, the most controversial aspect of this work. The man who opened the way for the gentiles is not portrayed as a sympathetic character, and instead what we are presented with is an ego driven fanatic desperate to stamp his own mark on the nascent Christianity, at the cost of an almost flagrant disregard of what Jesus actually said and wanted. And yet it is Paul's interpretation of this faith that we are mostly left with, despite his conflicts, and at times his humiliations at the behest of his rivals James and Peter, who were Paul's superiors in the early church whether he liked it or not.

Well Researched

I read this book on my kindle app (sorry traditional format fans, however I do also still read printed books!) and was somewhat surprised when the book finished while at a status of 50% complete. This gives you an idea of how extensive the footnotes are. Fortunately these end notes actually add to the experience of the book. Here is where Azlan discusses the various theories that underpin his vision of the historical Jesus, which theories by which historians he agrees with, and which ones he disagrees with and why.

To my mind Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth is a fascinating read and I would recommend it to anyone, no matter what their faith or lack thereof.

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

What's That Coming Over the Hill

Lance Bastante had always felt a certain amount of sympathy for his friend from the Kingdom of the Round Tree. Perhaps it was because of the name that his friend had been burdened with: Beosmell Realbad. It's difficult to run out of jokes about a name like that. And yet despite this ever present potential for mockery - or perhaps because of it - they had become like brothers as they went through the Academy together, back in the days when the Kingdom of the Round Tree and the fortress city of Haribo had been allies.

But things change; alliances break down and enmity rises.

And then enmity becomes war.

Things had certainly changed for Beosmell after he had volunteered for the Round Tree Super Weapon project, and was chosen to become a living super weapon. How strong must Beosmell's faith in his kingdom's cause must have been, Bastante asked himself, to surrender his humanity to the victory of that cause? What experiments had been performed upon him by nameless figures, monitoring his transformation in the shadows? What had he seen? What had he suffered? And had it been worth it? Had the mockery been silenced at last?

All Lance knew was that he would soon see his old friend once more - if from afar. Beosmell would now be at the vanguard of the Round Tree Kingdom's army of conquest, and he would be changed beyond all recognition. Today the kingdom of the Round Tree were ready to unleash the weapon that Lance's friend had become; a weapon they proclaimed would end the war once and for all.

But little did the scientists and theosophers of Round Tree know that Haribo had already developed an answer: the Unnatural Born Creature Slayer.

Today then, both sides would discover which super weapon was the more effective. Today the tide of the war would be turned, or all would be lost.

Bastante looked down at the gun he held in his hands. It was five feet long, and appeared to have been carved from black ivory. The barrel of the gun was covered in intricate designs: faces of mythical creatures and woodland Gods with empty eyes that glared at the soldier who held the weapon, as if testing the resolve of its bearer.

And how was the resolve of Lance Bastante? Was he ready for this test?

When the moment of truth came, Lance mused, and he peered at the monster through a scope that was shaped like some preternatural sea serpent, the mouth of which opened out on the forward sight, would he see fear in the eyes of his old friend? Did Beosmell even have eyes any more? Lance couldn't say; he didn't know that level of detail. But if Beosmell had changed beyond all recognition, that should make things easier, he reasoned.

At the moment of truth.

A buzz at Bastante's chest interrupted his reverie and he picked up the mobile communicator that was fastened where. "Lieutenant commander Bastante here."

"Bastante this is Major Osgood," came the voice through the communicator, "Is all still clear?"

Bastante put aside the weapon and clambered to his feet. He looked over the battlement walls that protected his fortress city, and beheld the no man's land that had become of the surrounding area. He saw smoke that rose from all around, creating a permanent mist that pressed against the perimeter of Haribo and made sighting new attacks difficult at the best of times. He saw an undulating landscape of churned ground that stretched into the hills beyond. He saw abandoned and broken machines; relics of the sieges that had already taken place during the war. Sieges that had ended in victory for the defenders; but only after much blood had been sacrificed on both sides. Elsewhere, in other theatres of battle retreats had turned into routs for Haribo.

Soon, Bastante knew, there would be another siege of his home city: this would be the last one.
"It's all clear," Bastante informed his superior officer, "for now."

But even as he was about to replace his communicator, Bastante looked out and saw a dark shape appear on the horizon. Then he saw other shapes: the unmistakable outlines of battering rams, and cannons that reared up into the air on caterpillar tracks and caused minor tremors that could be felt in the battlements even at this distance. The air crackled around the Lieutenant commander, and he heard the distant rumble of thunder. Bastante saw other shapes now, thousands of small, dark shapes were marching towards the city: a siege army. He reopened communications. "Disregard that last report," he told Major Osgood, "and mobilise the city defences. It's begun."

"Understood," replied the Major. His acknowledgment was free of intonation, though Bastante imagined Osgood's shoulders droop, and his teeth grit as he accepted the inevitability of his Lieutenant commander's update.  Then Osgood's voice changed, and he repeated words that had been drilled into them all since childhood. Words that they still believed; despite everything. "Haribo, Haribo, take me back to Haribo," Osgood chanted.

"Haribo, Haribo, it's the sweetest place I know," responded the lieutenant commander, "Bastante out."


"Wait!" shouted Osgood through the communicator, his voice sounding as if something had just occurred to him.

Bastante paused. "What is it sir?" he asked. Around him the city defense forces had already begun their deployment as further trembles shook the city and the deep, penetrating rolls of thunder became a constant, pervasive sound in the battlements.

"It's the weapon," said Osgood with urgency, “You need to know how to activate it.”

Bastante's quelled an incredulous chuckle. “I think I know how to activate a gun, sir,” he said with forced patience, “you just press the trigger and..."

"No, No," Osgood cut in, “it’s not that simple with the Creature Slayer! This is a super weapon remember; and the reason it’s so powerful is because it draws on the city's main power generators; and it accumulates that power via a wireless signal. But the gun’s wifi must only be activated only when it is needed, otherwise the power drain on the city's reserves would be too great. Especially considering we also have a shield to maintain."

"Why did nobody tell me this before?" demanded Bastante, his voice rising.

"They're telling you now!" shot back the Major, "this is highly classified information that is given out on a strictly need to know basis!"

Bastante closed his eyes and inhaled slowly. The activity around him was becoming increasingly frenetic as the minutes passed, and through the spy holes of the city walls the approaching army began to blur intermittently - a sign that the city's defensive shield that Osgood had mentioned was now in operation.

Shields. Energy. Power generators.

"How do I activate the gun?" he asked quietly.

The Major cleared his throat noisily. “Ah yes,” he acknowledged. “The weapon needs to be activated.”

Bassinet was mildly annoyed by the Major’s sudden turn to prevarication. “Yes, that’s what you just told me,” he pointed out, “so how do I do it?”

“How do I do it you say?” asked the Major.

“That was what I asked,” said Bastante, frowning.

“I should tell you then,” said the major.

“It might help,” Bastante agreed, nonplussed.

“Okay, then I will” answered the Major. “To activate the super weapon,” he declared, “you would obviously need to call…”

He paused for a moment, and then blurted out “the super weapon activation helpline.”

Bastante looked at his communicator opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish. Eventually he managed “You’re shitting me.”

"Don't be impertinent lieutenant commander,” the major blustered.

"But a helpline? A helpline?!” Bastante ejaculated, "You can't be serious! This is a super weapon not a house insurance claim!”

"Calm down lieutenant commander," ordered Osgood.

"I'm sorry," spluttered Bastante as he struggled to master himself, "but I just find it difficult to believe."

“Do try and be a bit more positive Bastante,” the Major admonished him, “As it happens I have it on very good authority that they give an excellent service; and their turnaround time is second to none.”

"Turnaround time?" Bastante asked doubtfully. He thought for a moment. ”So how many queries has this helpline had to turn around..." he swallowed "...concerning super weapons?"

"Well... " replied the Major, he cleared his throat again, "obviously this would be the first one..."

Bastante had heard enough. "We're fucked, " he concluded.

"Look, just call them Bastante," said the Major forcefully, "or perhaps you'd prefer to wait around until your old friend comes calling!"

"Alright! Alright!" The Lieutenant commander flipped open a cover on his communicator that revealed an alpha numeric pad. "What's the number?" he asked.

The sound of a heavy sigh came through Bastante's communicator; followed by the ruffling of papers. Then Osgood's voice began to bark out digits. "08754 90862 -"

"Slow down a bit!" cried the lieutenant.

"... 222 22222," continued the major at a slower pace, "report back when you have the weapon up and running. Osgood out."


Moving slowly and in concert, the great siege engines from the Kingdom of the Round Tree moved into position, forming a great, semi-circular perimeter before the fortified city walls. Attending these engines were thousands of soldiers and operators, and the fulminations produced by the combined movements of man and machine echoed through the city.

Bastante listened to these fulminations, that formed the background to a series of regularly spaced beeps that issued from his communicator. At the same time he peered out of a spy-hole in the city walls, and through intermittent distortions witnessed the movements of the powerful cannons and numerous enemy. He turned slightly and glanced at Haribo's inactive super weapon; the weapon that needed the super weapon helpline before it could be used.

Just then a bright musical jingle started to play across communicator’s speaker; and a cheerful female voice spoke over this music.

"You've reached the Haribo munitions corp weapons helpline," the voice informed him, "a helpline bought to you by our sponsors, Conflict Outcome Claims Direct Insurance."

The music stopped and another voice - male, solemn and intense - spoke out: "Dedicated to protecting you and your family. Always."

Now a rock based track began playing, and the cheerful female voice returned. "All of our operatives are busy at the moment," the voice told Bastante, "but your call is important to us. Please continue to hold."

The canons outside Haribo's walls began targeting. Coordinates and elevations were called out by operators who looked upon the city walls with a calculated detachment, and decided which points would be punished by fire immediately.

Meanwhile, the voice speaking to Bastante went up a notch and gained a more artificial edge.

"You are caller number...
"... in the queue."

And with that the guitar driven pop song again superimposed itself on the sounds of impending bombardment. Bastante stroked his temples, trying to ward off the stress and the nascent headache building within him.

A singer began to warble over the communicator:

"Brain fried tonight through misuse
Through misuse! Through misuse!
You can't avoid the static abuse
You can't avoid the static abuse!..."

The Hariban listened unwillingly as question after question flashed through his mind: was one of those canons pointing directly at him right now? How long would the shields hold against these weapons? Why was he still waiting if he was number one in the queue?

"lieutenant commander?"

Bastante looked up to see a Haribo soldier standing before him, dressed in the bright red colours of the Haribo military, and carrying a bayonet rifle. "Sir, we've had an update from the advanced spotters operating beyond the city walls," the soldier updated him with urgent tones, "they say there is some kind of creature approaching from a westerly direction.

"Sir, they say it's something big."

Over the shoulder of the man who was speaking to him Bastante saw searchlights spring into life against the dark gray sky. His fellow Hariban stepped forward with eyes wide and tinged with fear. "I mean they say it's something really big..."

There was a pause as the soldier observed the man he was updating, and for the first time noticed Bastante's glassy expression, and the way Bastante was looking through him rather than at him.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"There's a problem with this super weapon," Bastante answered mechanically as he gestured towards the Creature Slayer, "It needs activating; and they've made me call a helpline to do it."

The soldier mouthed the word 'helpline' in an attempt to assimilate Bastante's statement. He glanced around, his eyes narrowing as he listened. "Where is the music coming from?" he asked.

"I'm on hold," Bastante replied.

The soldier regarded him in silence for a few moments. Then he was gone, and Bastante was left cursing helplessly.

But even as Bastante swore oaths, the music faded somewhat. A loud, youthful male voice forced its way to the foreground. "You're through to Haribo munitions corp weapons helpline," said the new voice,"my name is Brian, how can I help you today?"

"Hello?" Bastante half shouted, relieved solely by the fact that his call had finally got somewhere.
"Hi there caller sorry to keep you waiting, can I take your name please," said Brian brightly.

My name, he thought, right yes, my name is: "Lieutenant commander Lance Bastante of the 3rd division west Haribo defensive emplacements."

A new rumble of thunder broke out, which partially obscured the help desk operatives next words.
"-astic," was what Bastante caught, "is it okay if I call you Lance?"

"What?" Bastante shouted in confusion. The penny dropped. "Oh; Yes, fine -"

"So what's the issue Lance?" Brian asked.

Bastante made an effort to control his inhalations. He could hear voices filtering through from the siege army just outside: barked orders; answering acknowledgements. And he heard the unmistakable whine of automated canon moved into position, and the thud of shells loading up.

The reason. Yes, the reason. "I have a super weapon," he stated, forming his words carefully to ensure clarity, "and I need to activate it for use."

"A super weapon! Excellent!" Brian exulted above the din. "you've come through to just the right place!"

Bastante allowed himself the briefest sensation of hope, tempered by the uncertainty of what activating the super weapon actually entailed.

"I just need to bring up my super weapon activation screen," the help line operative told him, "if you can just bear with me..."

Bastante's teeth gritted but he said nothing and waited, trying to ignore the invisible walls of panic that were closing in. Something was coming; something very big-

"So how are you doing today?" Brian asked chattily.

"I've got to be honest and say I've done better Brian," a distracted Bastante.

"Well, that's a shame, but I'm sure this will be the start of a big improvement," Brian assured him.

"You think?" asked Bastante with a grimace.

"I'm certain," boomed the help desk operative. "so anyway what are you up to?" Brian asked, "Anything good?"

At the moment another voice rose above every sound, shot through with fear and urgency. As soon as he heard it, Bastante knew they'd run out of time.


A shell burst in mid air with a deafening roar, battering the city's shields and rocking the battlement walls. "War!" screamed Bastante.

More shells burst and he felt the ground move beneath him; cries of pain filled the air, from victims of shockwaves that knocked people over and walls that collapsed on the city's defenders. "War!"

screamed Bastante again, "This is a war!"

"Oooh, I don't like the sound of that," observed the helpline analyst with a chuckle, "those things can be pretty dangerous!"

"Are you for real?" asked Bastante incredulously as he took cover to avoid another rain of debris.

Instead of reacting to Bastante's question, Brian moved the exchange on. "Okey dokey, super weapon screen is up," he announced, "now, what I need from you is your WIFID number."

"My... WIFID number?" lieutenant commander repeated uncertainly.

"WIFID Yes, it stands for 'WiFi Designation'," Brian explained, "have you got the weapon in front of you?"

"Well, obviously -" Bastante started to say. He was interrupted by a shell that exploded against the shield above him, causing a concussion impact that made his teeth chatter and triggered the sound of exploding windows from locations around the city.

"Goodness me it's a bit noisy where you are isn't it?" observed Brian brightly.

"Just a bit," Bastante agreed.

"Okay," continued the help line analyst, speaking through the sound of defensive batteries being unleashed on the siege army, "The WIFID number should be on the heel of the gun handle. It's a seven digit number prefixed with 'HWD-'."

Bastante found the digits inscribed into the heel of the gun handle as described, though they weren't easy to read. Squinting, and shouting obove the din of an artillery exchange, he read out the WIFID. "HWD.. 429... is that a 6 or an 8? I think it's a 6... 331..."

"Fantastic!" said Brian encouragingly. "Now we need to check your wifi is working alright. If you look at the centre at the top of the main barrel, you should see a carved likeness of the Dark God Zogothloth, who is also called Joy's Bane."

Bastante sighed and looked through the various likenesses incorporated into the elaborate design of the super gun. "I do see a face with eyes that are glowing reddish orange?" he reported.

"Glowing reddish, yes!" Brian confirmed, "Glowing in a manner similar to the moment Zogothloth arose in triumph from the Netherworld before vanquishing His eternal foe, the Demon Slatternax, He that is named The Soul Compressor."

"Er... yes," was all Bastante could think of to say.

"Great, so I'm just downloading the update that will get you up and running," said Brian perkily, "and while we're doing that I'll read out some terms and conditions. Just the legal jargon, nothing to worry about...

The recital - obscured at times by the bombardment - began. "This super weapon is at the strictly experimental stage, therefore Haribo munitions corp weapons divest themselves from all reponsib..... .. ... ....equences of use. All discussion of this weapon outside the auspices of the Haribo Military, Munitions Corp, Haribo Weapons Research Division and Haribo Infantry Organisation Hub is strictly forbidden. The designation Unnatural Born Creature Slayer ver 0.8e .. ....right protected by Haribo Munitions Corp and all use thereof is strictly controlled by the Information Processor. For further information on the Information Processor please submit you requests in writing along with a postal delivery CTP slip for 6.75 Haribo sovereigns. This weapon is ineffective outside a range of approximately 20 feet and should only be transported by horse. If after a period not less than 30 days the user is dissati..... with the performance of the Unnatural Born -"

"Wait a minute," Bastante interrupted him, "what was that part about 20 feet and transportation?"

"Well, the thing is Lance," the man from the helpline responded earnestly, "this super weapon is a prototype. That means some of those annoying little glitches haven't quite been ironed out yet. As such the range isn't quite what we hoped it would be, and the weapon is given to short circuiting when transported by artificial means." His tone brightened: "But rest assured the tech guys are working like busy bees so in the near future we should have those problems sorted. In the meantime, if you want to give the Creature Slayer a try, all you have to do is pop yourself on horseback, ride to where you want try it out and away you go!"

Bastante let the communicator fall out of his hand. And as further concussion impacts rocked the fortified city, and the cries of the wounded were only partially drowned out by the constant artillery fire, he let his body droop against the battlements.

"Are you still there Lance?" the communicator asked insistently from its abandoned position on the floor.



Ninety minutes later, and further down the battlements, two red clad soldiers employed as lookouts were scanning the landcape around Haribo, and relaying their observations concerning enemy movements and tactical placements. One of them was using a pair of field glasses, while the other used naked line of sight in order to spot potential threats both near and far.

Suddenly the lookout with the field glasses dropped his instrument and gasped, his face a mask of shock and fear. "what's that?" he called out, pointing.

The other lookout turned in the direction his colleague was pointing, and he soon adopted a similar terror stricken countenance. "Coming over the hill"! he yelled.

They heard a voice speak out from behind them, quiet but unyielding. "Is it a monster?"

They lookouts turned, and in unison replied "Yes!"

In front of them stood Lance Bastante, clad from head to toe in shining, silver armour. Bastante brandished his fully operational super weapon, that hummed with innate power, and set down his intention. "Saddle up my horse!"


It would have been unclear to an observer if the monster had been born, had been created in a laboratory where unnatural experiments had taken place, or forged in the factory of some mad industrialist or necromancer. What would have been beyond doubt was its enormous size - the width of a small city - and its terrifying configuration; looking like a immense arthropod of two toned shade that belched twin palls of thick black smoke from its snout, the nostrils of which sat high upon a ridge which rose to grow into a towering range of mountains that marched down the creature's back. There would also have been no doubt about the way the earth shook when the blade like limbs of the beast crashed down, causing great gouges as big as valleys to be opened in the already churned up land. These crashing steps were accompanied by a mini-earthquake powerful enough to knock a grown man from his feet.

Explosions blossomed around it; proof that the beast had been observed and targeted. But the weapons of its enemies had no more effect upon the steel like carapace that constituted its hide than gentle summer rainfall.

From time to time The monster paused in its slow but relentless progress across the battlefield. Then it reared up on its jointed legs. Its jaws gaped, glowing a fierce orange, and it emitted a deafening sound, like a chorus of angels of death that serenaded both Heaven and Hell. Then there was the sound of an explosion, and a boiling jet of magma blasted forth from its mouth to hammer Haribo's weakening shield, and send further shockwaves through the city.

Every now and then the creature would encounter the tiny, blue figures of dead bodies, body parts or heaps of bodies, lying bereft of life in the tortured landscape: fellow attackers from the Round Tree kingdom that had taken a direct hit from a defensive barrage, or had stepped on a mine, or even succumbed to 'friendly fire'. When this occurred the monster emitted a howl of rage and reared up even higher upon its segmented limbs. And then another jet of deadly magma spewed from its maw to rain further havoc and bloodshed upon Haribo.

Then the creature encountered something on the battlefield that gave it pause. It discerned the body of a man who was not dressed in the blue uniform of the Kingdom of the Round Tree; and nor was he clad in the red uniform of the city state of Haribo. Instead the man was was dressed with silver armour; though it had ultimately availed him little. Not far from the man lay the body of a horse. It was clear from the saddle that still half lay on the animal's back that the armoured man had been riding it before they fell. Curious.

And not far away from this discovery, another fallen horse could be seen, dead or dying. And this horse's companion was still very much alive. The rider, also clad in silver armour and silver helmet, knelt beside the stricken animal and stroked its mane, seemingly oblivious to the battle that raged around him. At a certain point armour clad man who still lived must have felt the monster's gaze upon him, for he straightened and slowly, he turned to face the beast.

The monster looked upon this insignificant human that stoof in its way, and it spoke.

I KNOW YOU, it said.

Bastante was amazed to hear that there was still a trace of his old friend inside that voice. And though the monster's voice sounded like a hundred voices speaking together, in tones that were as deep as epochs of cosmic time, and though it seemed like these voices that were deeper than the Universe had been filtered through a strange distortion that made them sound like they were echoing from an adjoining corridor, and that corridor was somewhere in an impenetrable maze; and that maze was lost in some remote alternate dimension of space and time. Still, buried beneath all of that was still the voice of old Beosmell.

"We were friends, once," Bastante replied, "before the war."

With that he cast his eyes around the area, careful to disguise his desperation as much as he could. It can't have gone far, he thought. If I can't find it I might as well just kill myself now.

Finally he saw it, lying in the mud where it had fell when Bastante and his companion had been hit. Barely taking his eyes off the monster, Bastante retrieved his weapon from the churned up ground.
To the monster's vision the object the little human now bore seemed to glisten and coruscate black, and it seemed the human that bore it now cast a shadow, even in this fog ridden environment.

THAT'S A BIG GUN, it observed.

"It is," Bastante agreed. He held it up for inspection, feeling its power flow through him as he did so. "The Round Tree Kingdom has its super weapon," he told the creature, "and this is ours."

He checked the WiFi connection again. He was good to go.

"Meet the Unnatural Born Creature Slayer", Bastante declared. With a flourish he pointed the gun at the beast. "It kills monsters," he said meaningfully.

The towering arthropod did not respond for a long moment. It stood, silent and unmoving before its challenger; great gouts of black smoke billowed from its nostrils and rose to paint the featureless sky a darker grey. When it did speak, its weird, cavernous, echoing multi-stranded voice was instilled with a tone of finality.


Bastante was undeterred. "I think it will," he countered, his defiance enlivened him with a furious will to believe his own words, "in fact", and at this point his faith became a rapture, "I'm willing to bet my life on it."

The monster lifted one of its great jointed limbs to take a small step towards its diminutive opponent. when the limb descended and shook the Earth, it took all of Bastante's tenacity to somehow drop to his knees but retain his balance, and keep his super weapon pointed at its target. The monster spoke again, and this time its fathomless, other worldy, pan dimensional utterance was instilled with a casual shrug.


Bastante peered at the monster through the scope shaped like a sea serpent - though it was superfluous at this range - and reflected that it turned out his old friend turned out not to have eyes after all; at least not in the conventional sense. And that did make things easier now they had arrived at the ultimate moment. At the moment of truth. The creature lifted its leg to take another step forward. Bastante's finger tightened on the trigger. "You shouldn't have come back, Beosmell," he called out.

The monster froze, and withdrew its leg. Bastante hesitated.

NOT BEOSMELL, the beast declared, NOT ANY MORE.

Bastante grimaced. "Well... " he conceded awkwardly, "maybe you aren't. But once - before whatever they did to you happened to you - once you were a man, and you went by a man's name -"


Bastante tightened his finger on the trigger and prepared to fire. The moment was here at last. The moment of tru-

He loosened his grip. It was no good, he had to ask. "So..." he found himself saying, "what are you called now then?"


"Beowulf," Bastante repeated, blinking.


"... Oh," was all Bastante could say in reply. His thoughts, however, were not so circumspect.

'Beowulf Realbad really is a pretty bad ass name', a voice in his head reasoned, 'nothing wrong in admitting that. When you've got a point you've got a point-'

He shook his head vigorously. What am I thinking??!!

ACTUALLY, the monster began. Then it fell quiet.

Bastante concentrated on the sounds of battle all around them. He wanted to nourish the fury that demanded a final reckoning, here and now. After all, were they not in the final battle? Was this not the last siege? He looked down at his gun, upon which all their hopes of survival rested, lying heavy in his grasp. Actually what? He thought wildly.

THAT'S INTERESTING, the monster continued.

"What is?" Bastante asked, responding before the advice of all his instincts got a say in the matter.

CALL ME BEOSMELL, monster advised him.

"I... what?" spluttered Bastante. He looked round with an expression like a hunted animal. When were they going to get back to the moment of truth?

GO ON, the monster urged, SAY 'HELLO BEOSMELL'.

The soldier of Haribo held his forehead in his hand, trying and failing to still the torment in his thoughts. Perhaps the moment of truth would come after this bit? "'Hello Beosmell'," Bastante recited flatly.

AH! exclaimed the giant arthropod. It paused again, perhaps for effect, and then said I COULD SUE YOU FOR THAT.

"You could... sue me?" Bastante asked.

What am I doing? he reproached himself. He thought ferociously of the city, under bombardment. The fear of the people. Their suffering.

He thought of his family. He thought of Mary...

Was she alive? Was she safe?

They had to end this. They had to end this now.


Bastante brandished the Unnatural Born Creature Slayer and roared in frustration. "Shut up and fight you big ugly bastard!" he yelled hysterically. "One of us is going to die!"

Instantly the beast reared up on it's joined legs and pointed the entirety of its mammoth hulk towards the minuscule figure of the soldier from Haribo. DO YOUR WORST! it challenged him.

Bastante pressed the trigger.


So this was what it felt like. Not to experience the storm; not to witness its destruction - but to be the storm itself, and to personify its destruction.

Bastante's foe was enveloped in a tsunami of white hot, destructive energy as the all the power of Haribo was channeled through Bastante. And for a moment it was as if all the electricity of the Earth was channeled through the deadly super weapon that was brought to murderous life with a touch of a trigger. And suddenly it was the monster that was insignificant target, suddenly it was the monster that was the victim of a storm that came down upon it like a sledgehammer crashing down upon a nat. Bastante felt power surge through him, power from the heart, from the soul of his city, his home. And for one dizzying instant he was ascendant; he was transmogrified; he was the alpha and the omega; he was the alternating and the direct current; he was the be all and end all.

Through the triumph, through the intoxication, Bastante dimly wondered if this was how the Dark God Zogothloth must have felt when, in time immemorial, He arose in triumph from the Netherworld.

Then the Creature Slayer spluttered and died, and the light faded away, and the thunder was reduced to a murmur. The monotonous sounds of the bombardment and its answering defensive fire reasserted themselves.

And standing before Bastante - towering above him, wreathed in smoke and clouds, but unharmed - the monster looked down imperiously.

THAT TICKLED, it said.

And Bastante knew all was lost.

A crushing feeling of utter defeat quickly gave way to overwhelming anger, as the hapless lieutenant commander vented his morbid frustration on his not so super weapon that had flattered to deceive.

"This is so bloody typical!" he opined as he sank to his knees, "I said we were fucked!"

He saw the devastation around him. And what previously had spurred him on to frantic action now showed him how inevitable his defeat was, and always had been. "I rode out here; I got people and animals killed, and for what?" He raised the spent weapon over his head awkwardly. "For you you useless piece of ill made crap!" with that he attempted to hurl the Creature Slayer away, but it was too unwieldy and instead he lost his balance, fell forwards and ended up on lying in his face on the mud.

Pathetically, pointlessly, Bastante staggered to his feet, turned and ran for his life. As he ran, he could feel its invisible eyes on him.

Would it bother giving chase, he wondered, or would it dissolve him with a jet of magma - literally burning him in hell.

It did not take long for him to get his answer, as the monster stamped its one of its huge forelimbs, causing the ground to disappear from under him, and Bastante again fell on his face. But this time he lay still.

Then creature was directly above him, and it raised its jointed limb to hover over the prostrate soldier from Haribo; a limb coated in chitin as hard as steel that culminated in a blunt, rounded point, like a gigantic pile-driver.

ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY? asked the monster.

Bastante did not reply.


"Just do it," Bastante said quietly.

He shut his eyes, and then he screwed them up tightly, and an image of Mary skipped through his consciousness. "Haribo, Haribo", Bastante whispered, "the sweetest place..."

Time stood still.

Through the self induced darkness, Bastante's life played itself out. Not much overall, but it was all there was.

In the distance he heard sounds.

More gunfire?

No, it was something else...

He concentrated hard, to try and identify what he could hear, and tried not to think of anything else.
Slowly, the sounds clarified.

It was the sound of people...

Of people cheering?

It crossed his mind that it had happened; that he was already dead. Then he heard a man's voice, calling. Was he calling to them?

"The war's over!" cried the voice, "A peace deal has been brokered! You can stop fighting!"

WELL, said Beowulf. The monster's limb crashed down to the Earth, leaving Bastante unharmed. THAT'S HANDY.

Bastante opened his eyes, and just lay there for moment, listening to the sounds of joy. He realised Beowulf was probably doing the same thing. It had been a long time since those sounds had been heard in anyone's life.

Slowly, Bastante climbed to his feet. He looked around the erstwhile battlefield, where soldiers danced, threw their arms up in the air, played football or prayed for their fallen comrades. The city gates had already been opened, and former enemies greeted each other and embraced.

"What were we fighting for, remind me?" Bastante requested.


"Hmm," Bastante murmured. He tried to remember what it was that had made him offer up his life minutes earlier. He was sure it would come back to him.

SO, WHAT WILL YOU DO NOW? asked Beowulf.

"Me? I'll go home," said Bastante, "to Mary. How about you, Beosme - Beowulf? What are your plans? Are you still with Rose?"

I WAS, Beowulf answered sadly, BUT SHE'S GONE OFF ME A BIT LATELY.

"Ah," Bastante acknowledged the monster awkwardly, "sorry about that." He thought for a moment, then asked, "Say, you're not stuck as a monster are you? I mean, can you change back to human if you want to?"

I'M TOLD THERE IS A WAY, Beowulf replied with a hesitant tone, BUT IT'S NOT ONE I'M KEEN TO TRY.

"Oh." Bastante decided not to inquire further into whatever 'way' the transformed subject of Round Tree was referring to, and instead offered his farewells. "Well, good luck Beowulf. I hope things work out."

"That makes two of us."

The soldiers parted company, one to return to home and family, the other to a less certain fate.


It was night, and the monster stood alone in the wastelands, straddling a river that wended its way aimlessly across the empty hills and valleys. At its feet was a tiny particle, an object of almost microscopic size compared to the gigantic arthropod. But this object spoke to the creature. It spoke with cheerful tones.

"Tired of being an indestructible monster now are we sir? Is that why you've come through to the new amalgamated Haribo and Round Tree Super Weapon Helpline?" the voice through the telephone asked brightly.


"No?" mused the helpline assistant. "Well, I suppose you could go rampaging through a city," he suggested, "and catch your reflection in the windows of a skyscraper which would send you into an even more incandescent rage," he chuckled, "Just my little joke Beowulf. You don't mind if I call you Beowulf do you?

"Now, before we get you back to being an everyday chap I'm going to need your TEELIN."

 MY... TEELIN? said Beowulf uncertainly.

"Yes TEELIN, that stands for 'Transmuted Life form Identity Number'", explained Brian, "now, the way to locate that is by looking at the underside of your hind limb which is reverse articulated."

REVERSE ARTICULATED! exclaimed the Round Tree super weapon in mild panic.

"Yeah," confirmed Brian with a chuckle, "that means you can bend your leg backwards mate, how cool is that!"


"So," Brian summarised, "all you need to do now, is find a way of twisting your torso round 180 degrees, then you bend your leg backwards and duck down, have a look, and there's your TEELIN reference. Simples!"

A great pall of black smoke from Beowulf's nostrils as he considered his predicament.