A shock scientific research
paper was published yesterday that could change the way we eat forever.
Following the revelations of research published last year that found that
everything we previously believed was wrong, it has been revealed that
everything we subsequently believed, even after adjusting for agreeing that we
were wrong, was even even wronger than that.
Don't even think about it
And scientists have found that
if you are eating anything vaguely nice, or foods that are not utterly boring,
you will die a terrible, terrible death. "I don't know what the hell people are
thinking when they even look at a cake," declared Dr Hans Gruber, director of
the institute of meddling and browbeating people with the so called facts in
Switzerland, "they might as well be throwing themselves in an incinerator when
they do that."
"Is it really that bad?" we
wondered.
"No, I am afraid it is worse,"
Dr Gruber told us. "Cake, pizza, bread, sweet tasting fruit like pomegranate or
even those little frozen peas - all these are as good as deadly poison. Instead
people should be preparing themselves a meal of gruel with raw vegetables. And
be doing that many times a day. Then they should be using cod liver oil
suppositories while chewing live grubs very slowly."
You’re wrong so eat
it
How many times a day should they
be doing that?
"Think of a number," answered
professor Gruber. "have you thought of it? Well, it's not enough. Now double
that number, and it's still not enough. Increase it much more. Have you done
that? Well, it's still wrong and it's still not enough. Whatever answer you come
up with it's wrong, and if you give up and don't try that's wrong too. Whatever
you do or don't do it's bad and wrong."
A Bell Curve
yesterday
But the awful news is that
things are going to get even worse than that. "Yes, things are worse than that,"
confirmed Dr Gruber. "Because of genetics and things of that nature, projected
bell curves, scatter diagrams and statistical mean averages" he warned. "Think
of how bad things can be," he explained, "well you're wrong, it's worse, so
multiply the badness by ten. Then you're still wrong, because it's worse than
that. And it'll continue to get worse, because of climate change and then still
worse, and after that it will get worse and worse and worse. But, no, you're
wrong, because it's still worse than you guessed."
Shitting on you from
a great height
Is there anything people can
do?
"Well, first you must admit you are
wrong and we're right," replied Professor Gruber, "but then we'll confirm soon
that you're even more wrong than you thought and we're even more right, but I'm
afraid after that, when you've changed round everything and tried to adapt we're
going to tell you that's bad and wrong because we've changed everything again to
show that we are yet more right and you yet more wrong. There is no escape. And
if you try to escape the consequences will be catastrophic and if you don't try
to escape they will be even more disastrous. We're currently working on a future
escalation model of horribleness that you can't even imagine, and don't be
foolish enough to try to imagine and prepare and don't even think of not
trying."
Professor Gruber left us to
continue his research. He lives in a rarefied environment with lots of other
painfully clever people and his hobbies include being smug and ruining your
day.
